Decisions, Decisions and meaning...

I have been thinking a lot about life and meaning lately. Wondering why things that don't really matter seem to take so much of my mental energy, when mental energy is one thing that I seem to lack while trying to teach and get everything accomplished. I've been contemplating purchasing a house for some time because why pay rent every month when the mortgage can be the same if not less and its "yours" for the most part.?! Then comes the endless stream of what ifs and whys and hows and other questions that are impossible to answer. One being... Where do I want to be in 15-30 years when the house is paid off?! Now this may seem like a logical question but there is sooooo much weight to it. First being, can I even last at my current teaching job for the rest of the year... Let alone 15?! While I am hoping to continue to enjoy the unique stresses of my current position, I highly doubt I can sustain in it for ever... I doubt anyone can. So, the next tough question is... Do I want to stay in this place even if I don't have this job? Next then comes, should I move home? The opportunity arose to have a similar position at the same company where I can live with my dad and pay nothing (as in I'd pay with cleaning, cooking, etc) and be able to pay off student loans in no time! Very tempting. However, I don't want to move again so soon, I like it here for the most part. Then, I have to wonder what life will bring in general. Will I get married (it's in the back of my mind but I'm assuming that would greatly increase my need to move) or will I end up sick and need someone to take care of me that I don't have here? Should I move back to Lancaster for a more stable and much less stressful career?

Ok, I've exhausted even my mental energy so I know your head is spinning from that long paragraph... I don't teach English :)

I just can't imagine doing something different. My students are highly challenging and I question my own sanity every day at least once and have contemplated leaving already multiple times (sometimes in the same day!) Then, I get a note or a comment where I know I am where I'm supposed to be. The pain, frustration, unknown and potential dangers melt away. I can't imagine a day without something thrown, a cursing raving mad student slamming my door, or the numerous amount of hugs I get (sometimes by the kid who just threatened to kill me in the weirdest way possible.) I can't imagine being somewhere else... So why do I focus on stupidness like a house? God has given me so much and is using me in the best way I could ever think and yet I spend time and energy wondering about where else I could be. I'm definitely thinking I could be inEurope of on a beach or at a mountain resort rather than teaching... However; I wouldn't be happy. I'd die if I couldn't teach. I know life has more meaning than your job and ministry... But I couldn't see myself doing anything else. In fact, I've tried and failed. I was born to teach and worship my savior... I love that I can worship Him and serve Him by teaching. Such a lovely calling... Sometimes I wish it didn't involve potential life and limb threatening ordeals, but it's what I love and what I'm called to... In case any of you think I should be somewhere else... Like a Mennonite school or whatever, you are more than welcome
To keep that opinion to yourself :)

With my mind wandering all over the place... I'm reminded of Jesus' call to love those that others foresake. I'm reminded that I'm to bear my cross and not worry about my own life... hes got this and it doesn't matter where I am... Gods will is always the best place to be. Not safest, not nicest, not easiest... In fact He promised the opposite. If you're too comfortable, my suggestion is something isn't in line. We weren't made to be comfortable. Challenges yourself... If you're feeling the need to be challenged and want an incredible opportunity... My place of employment is hiring. Yea, I'm serious... You may regret it, but you will learn more about yourself, life and the world than you ever thought possible from a decent job :)

Live outside the box... It's so much more exciting out here :)

Send me some ideas on what to talk about :) I talk
A lot, but sometimes the thoughts are so jumbled!

Intro into my mind and life...

I don't have much to say for the first blog. I guess I would say, go ahead and ask questions or think of topics that may be interesting to consider :)

I'm hoping to use this as an outlet for thoughts and for possible feedback. I am currently working on my masters thesis project so I may complain about that for a while until it's finished. I may also vaguely vent about the school day. I'd like to offer (people who care) a small glimpse into my world while also respecting my place of employment and my students. I will always be vague, so please don't ask for specifics. I Just can't say much in compliance with laws and respect for my kids :)

That being said, we are on a break week since we had school all summer so far. Technically we are starting the fall semester on Monday :) I'm currently with dad at "home" and going to be doing paperwork and stuff tomorrow and observing another school in my employers repertoire of schools :) Hopefully. I just finished planning all of my classes until Christmas break. Whew. Now to write 51 lesson plans... One per week for each class until Christmas! That's my goal for the rest of break week!

Then I can really focus on my thesis project. For those who may be interested it's on "Incorporating DBT into the classroom/school environment". DBT stands for dialectical behavioral therapy... Is too complicated to discuss here, so look it up. Long story short it's teaching problem to control emotions and thoughts, which leads to behavior change. That's a really watered down explanation haha.

Well, thanks for reading my first blog! I know it wasn't interesting, but I'm sure it will become more so... If stopping suicides, cutting, being cursed at and threatened in your face, classroom things thrown or destroyed and kids walking out of class and slamming the door tends to be the norm; exciting is just an experience away :) Not to mention some on the stuff that's said is too inappropriate to repeat, I will sometimes tame it down because it is never boring and sometimes so hysterical I have to stop teaching and walk out of the room. I can't believe some of the things that happen of are said on a daily basis. I love my job and my kids... But sometimes I question what in the world I am doing!