People Watching

Does anyone else enjoy watching people as you go through daily and mundane experiences? I do. I also enjoy the occasional random and totally sporadic conversation with a complete stranger (as long
As I'm not in a hurry!) There are so many people, so many ways of living and doing things. Such diversity God has created and allowed. While I disagree with some of the diversity, it is amazing to see how crazy different people are from each other and even the differences within groups. It's fascinating.

Having said that, I had a conversation with someone that came
Back to mind today while I was at Hampden Fest today. The person who was discussing diversity with me came to the conclusion that when talking to strangers we should do our best to put Christ in the conversation. While, sometimes this is simple because of the questions people tend to ask when I don't know them (and when I do!) sometimes it is now so simple and slightly obnoxious. I don't always bring religion, faith, and Christ into all of my familiar people conversation, so why would I automatically throw religion and faith into a conversation with a stranger. Evangelism they say. It's a great opportunity. Personally, in those moments, I've had the spirit tell me to talk about faith and I've also felt that sometimes is good to show people that an openly religious person doesn't always have o shove religion down your throat while talking. Sometimes interactions are to show that people are people and you can enjoy a conversation that doesn't revolve around faith.

I think this is important because if every conversation you have ends or begins with something so personal and possibly offensive, you may push the person away without meaning to. I believe we don't often listen to the spirit directing our conversations. If someone is open and ready to hear about Jesus, normally the talking leads that way. If they're not ready, it could be worse for them.

Conversing with diverse people doesn't always involve evangelism. In fact, my whole point here is... How can I assume that they need Jesus. Maybe they have a relationship with Jesus already! Who am I to judge them by the way they are living or look? I may think one thing, but I also don't know them personally. I think sometimes discussing things with strangers allows us to find out about other groups and people who live differently than myself. I enjoy the diversity and I don't necessarily want to try and change the person. I love other cultures and people
Groups. I also know that when the spirit leads me to speak boldly for Him and His salvation I need to be bold and follow that call.... But that call isn't there for every interaction on the street. Stop seeing people as projects and see them as fellow humans... And wait for a nudge from God to proceed to a topic many people view as private and inappropriate to discuss- especially with Strangers.

I've learned over the years that often times we can learn the most through our interactions with those we think we have more to offer. Often times they offer us more than we do to them. And that's ok. It's ok. Love and live.

The Long Haul

So, since I last blurted my thoughts randomly out onto the keyboard and into the blog, I've been thinking a great deal. Again, this is not normally a good thing. I will throw some thoughts out to you to decide whether or not they are worth time and attention.

I've been thinking about the future, for one. The future as in, where do I want to be, who do I want to be, what do I want to be doing and what warrants my time, energy and attention. I've come to the conclusion, at least currently, that I enjoy my current place of employment overall, although I honestly don't know how long I can possibly continue the pace at which I'm going teaching at the specific school. It really is exhausting. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally. Sometimes I have given all my love, patience, and energy away by 9 am. Sadly, this is only half way through 1st period! Sometimes everything I have to give lasts until 5th period. Now, many of my religiously inclined friends would inform me that I'm not relying on God enough for what I need. While this may possibly be the case... I would like to remind them that they honestly have no idea what I do for a living. So, while both of those thoughts are sometimes true... I have also realized that I couldn't do what I without faith and everything from God. Those hasty prayers between classes because I had just been called every name under the sun with lots of words in between and I have another group of needy and frustrating youth coming into class expecting me to be my best for them, even though I had a fight, a large object such as a table or chair thrown, multiple kids yelling and arguing and running out the door threatening to kill anyone that gets in their way. Yea, I'm expected to be super human. Now, some days I pretend better than others and some days I just sit at my desk and wonder why in the world God placed me here with this population... Because I could be using my gifts and talents and love elsewhere. Or could I? I wonder how happy I would be working at a Mennonite school where, for the most part, everything works out well. Now don't go yelling and saying that's not true... For the most part... It is, with the occasional exception. I realize occasionally that I love the population I teach...even if I would have never in my wildest dreams thought of doing this by choice. I felt desperate and at my wits end by the time this job was offered to me... So I took it. Not by choice, but by necessity. It's amazing what God knows about us :)

I have also been thinking about Philly. Dear Philly, I disliked the drive all of the time, but I realize now how much I loved Tuesday nights and teaching "my girls". They are now someone else's students, but they will always be my girls. Always. I don't have this dynamic in my life anymore, although one could argue that I teach similar kids on a daily basis. In reality, the kids are similar yet VERY different and I miss teaching about relationship and life and Jesus. The closest thing I get to that now is discussing decisions that were just made it about to be made and questioning the student whether it is worth it. I also somehow miss the comfort I felt being in North Philly, around the church. While at times I prob should have been uncomfortable or more cautious, I miss the familiarity. I don't know Baltimore, but there's a different feel anyway. I miss various people specifically and wish I could make the time to see them again.

I've also been thinking a lot about men. Now before you judge me, let me expound. I've been thinking about how blessed I was/am with good men in my life who raised me and assisted me in getting where I am. I also have been realizing the impact of not having those good men in your life. I am hearing stories and seeing pain and conflict in adolescent lives because they lack a major component of the ideal God intended... A good man in their life. So many people without a father or father figure, so many abused by or taken advantage of by the men around them... Sold by and to the men around them. God help our nation and this generation that are not yet adults. My generation saw a drastic change in the leadership and stability of men in their lives, but the drastic change for the worst has put me in a state of shock. I've realized I need to pray more for men to be men and to stay strong and lead their families and love their kids and take responsibility for their actions. Not to mention just be good role models for those younger than them. Also, to love and protect their daughters and teach them how men should treat them and that they are beautiful and valuable and that they should resoect themselves in how they look and act. Sigh. This thought could go on. I decided to spend some time on Sunday afternoons in a different portion of the city (if it works to go somewhere) and pray specifically for that area and for specific needs. Whether you do Sunday or any time... Join me in prayer for the youth of America... Their lives and souls depend on it. You have more power through prayer than through any other activity you put your energy into. If you're one of the prayer warriors I know and you feel the need to pray for me... I beg you to do that.... I need it. I feel the enemy attacking me all throughout the day trying to get me to showcase my Savior in a bad light. To fall and yell at a kid or say something hurtful to a co worker, or just be lazy because I'm so tired and done, ready to give up. May God give me what I need.

I've also been thinking about those I care about. I've been thinking of how much I miss momma and wish I could talk to her occasionally. I also think of how I'd sit and talk to grandma june or grandma McDonald about my kids. How they'd pray for me. I wonder if that's why I'm struggling so much... Those prayer lines are gone, living in the victory they won through their savior and their commitment to Him. While they're in paradise, I'm immensely missing their prayer coverage and wisdom. I also miss hugs, phone calls and visits.

Well, I think that's enough for this evening. I'm in bed and sleep is calling me. Feels good to get some of that out of my head. I need more out, but I think if I told you all I heard and saw today... You may turn red and run away :)

May God bless you as you bless others... To the measure you give of yourself to others, may He give to you.

Decisions, Decisions and meaning...

I have been thinking a lot about life and meaning lately. Wondering why things that don't really matter seem to take so much of my mental energy, when mental energy is one thing that I seem to lack while trying to teach and get everything accomplished. I've been contemplating purchasing a house for some time because why pay rent every month when the mortgage can be the same if not less and its "yours" for the most part.?! Then comes the endless stream of what ifs and whys and hows and other questions that are impossible to answer. One being... Where do I want to be in 15-30 years when the house is paid off?! Now this may seem like a logical question but there is sooooo much weight to it. First being, can I even last at my current teaching job for the rest of the year... Let alone 15?! While I am hoping to continue to enjoy the unique stresses of my current position, I highly doubt I can sustain in it for ever... I doubt anyone can. So, the next tough question is... Do I want to stay in this place even if I don't have this job? Next then comes, should I move home? The opportunity arose to have a similar position at the same company where I can live with my dad and pay nothing (as in I'd pay with cleaning, cooking, etc) and be able to pay off student loans in no time! Very tempting. However, I don't want to move again so soon, I like it here for the most part. Then, I have to wonder what life will bring in general. Will I get married (it's in the back of my mind but I'm assuming that would greatly increase my need to move) or will I end up sick and need someone to take care of me that I don't have here? Should I move back to Lancaster for a more stable and much less stressful career?

Ok, I've exhausted even my mental energy so I know your head is spinning from that long paragraph... I don't teach English :)

I just can't imagine doing something different. My students are highly challenging and I question my own sanity every day at least once and have contemplated leaving already multiple times (sometimes in the same day!) Then, I get a note or a comment where I know I am where I'm supposed to be. The pain, frustration, unknown and potential dangers melt away. I can't imagine a day without something thrown, a cursing raving mad student slamming my door, or the numerous amount of hugs I get (sometimes by the kid who just threatened to kill me in the weirdest way possible.) I can't imagine being somewhere else... So why do I focus on stupidness like a house? God has given me so much and is using me in the best way I could ever think and yet I spend time and energy wondering about where else I could be. I'm definitely thinking I could be inEurope of on a beach or at a mountain resort rather than teaching... However; I wouldn't be happy. I'd die if I couldn't teach. I know life has more meaning than your job and ministry... But I couldn't see myself doing anything else. In fact, I've tried and failed. I was born to teach and worship my savior... I love that I can worship Him and serve Him by teaching. Such a lovely calling... Sometimes I wish it didn't involve potential life and limb threatening ordeals, but it's what I love and what I'm called to... In case any of you think I should be somewhere else... Like a Mennonite school or whatever, you are more than welcome
To keep that opinion to yourself :)

With my mind wandering all over the place... I'm reminded of Jesus' call to love those that others foresake. I'm reminded that I'm to bear my cross and not worry about my own life... hes got this and it doesn't matter where I am... Gods will is always the best place to be. Not safest, not nicest, not easiest... In fact He promised the opposite. If you're too comfortable, my suggestion is something isn't in line. We weren't made to be comfortable. Challenges yourself... If you're feeling the need to be challenged and want an incredible opportunity... My place of employment is hiring. Yea, I'm serious... You may regret it, but you will learn more about yourself, life and the world than you ever thought possible from a decent job :)

Live outside the box... It's so much more exciting out here :)

Send me some ideas on what to talk about :) I talk
A lot, but sometimes the thoughts are so jumbled!

Intro into my mind and life...

I don't have much to say for the first blog. I guess I would say, go ahead and ask questions or think of topics that may be interesting to consider :)

I'm hoping to use this as an outlet for thoughts and for possible feedback. I am currently working on my masters thesis project so I may complain about that for a while until it's finished. I may also vaguely vent about the school day. I'd like to offer (people who care) a small glimpse into my world while also respecting my place of employment and my students. I will always be vague, so please don't ask for specifics. I Just can't say much in compliance with laws and respect for my kids :)

That being said, we are on a break week since we had school all summer so far. Technically we are starting the fall semester on Monday :) I'm currently with dad at "home" and going to be doing paperwork and stuff tomorrow and observing another school in my employers repertoire of schools :) Hopefully. I just finished planning all of my classes until Christmas break. Whew. Now to write 51 lesson plans... One per week for each class until Christmas! That's my goal for the rest of break week!

Then I can really focus on my thesis project. For those who may be interested it's on "Incorporating DBT into the classroom/school environment". DBT stands for dialectical behavioral therapy... Is too complicated to discuss here, so look it up. Long story short it's teaching problem to control emotions and thoughts, which leads to behavior change. That's a really watered down explanation haha.

Well, thanks for reading my first blog! I know it wasn't interesting, but I'm sure it will become more so... If stopping suicides, cutting, being cursed at and threatened in your face, classroom things thrown or destroyed and kids walking out of class and slamming the door tends to be the norm; exciting is just an experience away :) Not to mention some on the stuff that's said is too inappropriate to repeat, I will sometimes tame it down because it is never boring and sometimes so hysterical I have to stop teaching and walk out of the room. I can't believe some of the things that happen of are said on a daily basis. I love my job and my kids... But sometimes I question what in the world I am doing!