So, since I last blurted my thoughts randomly out onto the keyboard and into the blog, I've been thinking a great deal. Again, this is not normally a good thing. I will throw some thoughts out to you to decide whether or not they are worth time and attention.
I've been thinking about the future, for one. The future as in, where do I want to be, who do I want to be, what do I want to be doing and what warrants my time, energy and attention. I've come to the conclusion, at least currently, that I enjoy my current place of employment overall, although I honestly don't know how long I can possibly continue the pace at which I'm going teaching at the specific school. It really is exhausting. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally. Sometimes I have given all my love, patience, and energy away by 9 am. Sadly, this is only half way through 1st period! Sometimes everything I have to give lasts until 5th period. Now, many of my religiously inclined friends would inform me that I'm not relying on God enough for what I need. While this may possibly be the case... I would like to remind them that they honestly have no idea what I do for a living. So, while both of those thoughts are sometimes true... I have also realized that I couldn't do what I without faith and everything from God. Those hasty prayers between classes because I had just been called every name under the sun with lots of words in between and I have another group of needy and frustrating youth coming into class expecting me to be my best for them, even though I had a fight, a large object such as a table or chair thrown, multiple kids yelling and arguing and running out the door threatening to kill anyone that gets in their way. Yea, I'm expected to be super human. Now, some days I pretend better than others and some days I just sit at my desk and wonder why in the world God placed me here with this population... Because I could be using my gifts and talents and love elsewhere. Or could I? I wonder how happy I would be working at a Mennonite school where, for the most part, everything works out well. Now don't go yelling and saying that's not true... For the most part... It is, with the occasional exception. I realize occasionally that I love the population I teach...even if I would have never in my wildest dreams thought of doing this by choice. I felt desperate and at my wits end by the time this job was offered to me... So I took it. Not by choice, but by necessity. It's amazing what God knows about us :)
I have also been thinking about Philly. Dear Philly, I disliked the drive all of the time, but I realize now how much I loved Tuesday nights and teaching "my girls". They are now someone else's students, but they will always be my girls. Always. I don't have this dynamic in my life anymore, although one could argue that I teach similar kids on a daily basis. In reality, the kids are similar yet VERY different and I miss teaching about relationship and life and Jesus. The closest thing I get to that now is discussing decisions that were just made it about to be made and questioning the student whether it is worth it. I also somehow miss the comfort I felt being in North Philly, around the church. While at times I prob should have been uncomfortable or more cautious, I miss the familiarity. I don't know Baltimore, but there's a different feel anyway. I miss various people specifically and wish I could make the time to see them again.
I've also been thinking a lot about men. Now before you judge me, let me expound. I've been thinking about how blessed I was/am with good men in my life who raised me and assisted me in getting where I am. I also have been realizing the impact of not having those good men in your life. I am hearing stories and seeing pain and conflict in adolescent lives because they lack a major component of the ideal God intended... A good man in their life. So many people without a father or father figure, so many abused by or taken advantage of by the men around them... Sold by and to the men around them. God help our nation and this generation that are not yet adults. My generation saw a drastic change in the leadership and stability of men in their lives, but the drastic change for the worst has put me in a state of shock. I've realized I need to pray more for men to be men and to stay strong and lead their families and love their kids and take responsibility for their actions. Not to mention just be good role models for those younger than them. Also, to love and protect their daughters and teach them how men should treat them and that they are beautiful and valuable and that they should resoect themselves in how they look and act. Sigh. This thought could go on. I decided to spend some time on Sunday afternoons in a different portion of the city (if it works to go somewhere) and pray specifically for that area and for specific needs. Whether you do Sunday or any time... Join me in prayer for the youth of America... Their lives and souls depend on it. You have more power through prayer than through any other activity you put your energy into. If you're one of the prayer warriors I know and you feel the need to pray for me... I beg you to do that.... I need it. I feel the enemy attacking me all throughout the day trying to get me to showcase my Savior in a bad light. To fall and yell at a kid or say something hurtful to a co worker, or just be lazy because I'm so tired and done, ready to give up. May God give me what I need.
I've also been thinking about those I care about. I've been thinking of how much I miss momma and wish I could talk to her occasionally. I also think of how I'd sit and talk to grandma june or grandma McDonald about my kids. How they'd pray for me. I wonder if that's why I'm struggling so much... Those prayer lines are gone, living in the victory they won through their savior and their commitment to Him. While they're in paradise, I'm immensely missing their prayer coverage and wisdom. I also miss hugs, phone calls and visits.
Well, I think that's enough for this evening. I'm in bed and sleep is calling me. Feels good to get some of that out of my head. I need more out, but I think if I told you all I heard and saw today... You may turn red and run away :)
May God bless you as you bless others... To the measure you give of yourself to others, may He give to you.
No comments:
Post a Comment